Cool rock formations from Hawaii and More
Morgan took this picture in Hawaii and I said, “What a cool rock formation,” and Morgan said, “Mom! – Look at all the faces in the clouds!!!”
In the wee hours of the morning, at 22 past midnight Morgan texts me “You aren’t still up, are you?” I was, and I feel like she caught me, I answer “Yes, why?” Morgan says, “Nevermind.” Now she’s really caught me and I ask her “Why are you still up?” Which is a silly question of course, 20-year-old girls stay up late. Before she had a stalker she would be up working on some project or watching movies or talking on her phone till way late all the time. Now she was tired and interested in a good nights sleep, as much as we were. Morgan does not answer, and I let it go at that.
At 1:12 am the motion light outside the back of our room goes on. I reach over for Steve, but he is already awake and grabs my arm before I can tap him. That startles me deeply, everything seems to startle me now. There is a crash noise right outside and Steve doesn’t bother with lights or clothes and just hops up and runs out our back door. I get up and lift the blinds. I don’t see anything, not even Steve. Which is a concern, but then I see him coming over the berm. He sees me and shakes his head.
When he’s back inside he tells me that he thought he saw something, maybe a man, hard to be sure. He went as far as over the berm and then he saw nothing, he just stood there and froze and waited for something to move, but the cold eventually convinced him to come back in. There is always a next time and we go to sleep.
Morgan calls me in the morning and wants to go see her doctor. She is in pain, her back has been hurting more and more. I think it was sleeping on the closet floor all that time, and Morgan thinks it is just stress. I told her, of course go see the doctor – she doesn’t miss class very often, so once is not going to be that big of a deal.
Morgan sends her teacher a text message, “I am going to run to the doctor this morning so I’m going to miss class. I’ll see you tomorrow!!” Her teacher texted back, “OK.”
She goes to see her doctor and he helps by realigning her back, tells her she has strained her hip and needs to be careful on it for a week or so until it really feels better. Dr. Jensen is a great holistic doctor and Morgan really trusts him. She is so much happier when she gets home. I tell her that her deal with her dad to not wake me is off and I promise I won’t talk or call, but just to send me a blank text whenever there is a noise against her window that wakes her. She is a tough sell, but finally agrees.
That night as we are going to bed I tell Steve the new plan with Morgan and he says I will never be able to do it. I tell him something like, just watch me. Then at 1 minute before 11:00 pm she sends me one bubble on my phone. I didn’t realize how hard it would be. I lie there having to know if it was a little noise or a big noise, or if she was sleeping soundly or lightly. I want to know something, but a deal’s a deal, and I let her sleep. And then I lay there wide awake.
Today is October 3, 2012 – I miss Morgan a lot today, I move throughout my day for my job, but otherwise I feel like I am not doing enough for Morgan. I asked her friends to write something about Morgan when they get a chance, and her best friend wrote the most beautiful thing. I read it to Steve and he said, “True friends, so hard to find, and even harder to have taken away.” We know it’s hard for her friends to sit down and write something – they are still dealing with the loss, just like us. This past Saturday night we met with two of her friends and one of them said to us that it was the first time he could face us to talk about Morgan, because it hurt so much. We both miss her a little more right now. I’m not sure why. The pain never goes away. So many people are working hard to help her, and us – to get the truth out. And I really want to tell them all thank you again, Morgan and Steve and I appreciate what you are doing so very much. We could not do what we are doing without all of your help, it means the world to us while we still continue to fight an uphill battle to try to get justice for Morgan. It seems like there are also people out there that don’t care about the truth, they only want to be right, and for them I feel sorry, because the truth is there, and won’t change.
Wow- the faces in the clouds. I didn’t see them at first because I was admiring the beautiful rock, but those faces are even more beautiful to me! I see a young girl with bangs to the left, a young maybe boy at the top, and an old man at the right. It’s like people looking down from Heaven.
Everything about Morgan was beautiful- from her strong spirit to the little things she noticed about life. I think it hurts us all to know someone so special is now gone. I can only imagine a tiny bit of the pain you are feeling. Just know that Morgan is creating beautiful things even after death- and all because of you. She is saving lives, motivating important talks, and causing changes that must be made.
Thanks Jen I needed those words of encouragement especially tonight – today has been really hard, i can’t seem to stop crying, I miss her so much. The wind was blowing when I looked outside, and the leaves were blowing off the trees, Fall is here and after work so many times during the week Morgan would go on errands with me to the PO, the grocery store, all over, and we would have such great talks. Mostly about life, and now looking back I know she was trying to teach me things, being her Mom I always thought I was suppose to be the insightful one, but not when I had Morgan in the car…she taught me so much about what is really important in life, your family, your friends, who you can help…not just getting up in the morning, going to work, going home, cooking dinner, watching a little TV and going to bed. Life is to be lived, life is to make changes, help others, do the best that you can do. And I really miss our talks…I really miss Morgan.
Okay. So, Toni asked me to post something about Morgan. And, I’ve been thinking about it, and the truth is that there is so much to say that it’s hard to know where to start. So, sorry in advance if this gets long and rambling.
I met Morgan my first semester at CMC. We had a class together, development of theatre, and at first, I’ll admit to being kind of intimidated by her. One class, though, I decided to sit next to her, and noticed her drawing a dress on a scrap piece of paper in between taking notes. I was thrilled. At the time, I was one of two theatre majors, and I had decided on costume design as me area of focus. I had yet to meet anyone as fascinated as I was with clothing and the designing of it. Needless to say, I was thrilled. I passed a note to her, she passed it back, and our friendship pretty much spiraled from there.
At the end of the semester, she convinced me to try out ballet, and when we started at the end of the summer, I was immediately hooked. One class that semester turned into two the next, then we added a jazz class the next semester. Morgan and I saw each other every single day at this point, and were pretty much attached at the hip from the time we arrived until after we parted ways once we had sat and chatted for a while.
We got closer and closer, the last time we really got to spend substantial time together was the weekemd before Halloween. We got ready for a party together, I’m sure you remember Toni, and when we eventually emerged from her room, ready to go, she had painted every square inch of my skin that wasn’t covered by cloth in grey body paint. I wish I had pictures, but both of us were so focused on getting ready that we forgot to take any.
Today, I’m finding myself three quarters of the way through the year having barely stepped foot into a dance classroom. I tried so hard to go back the semester after she passed and it was never the same without her. It never felt right to be holding onto the barre without her standing next to me, literally shaking from head to toe with the shear force of holding the perfect ballet posture. I miss dancing, yes, but I haven’t been able to do it.
Halloween is coming up, and I’m going for the same desaturated greyscale thing I did last year, with her (I promise there will be pictures this time). It’s weird to think that I’ll be doing it without her. It probably won’t be the same being given wet willies so the insides of my ears are painted if she’s not the one giving them. Which, sounds really weird, but it was a bonding experience.
Whoa. I just realized how long this is. Wrapping it up! The point is, she was a light spot in an often dark world. When I was upset for the umpteenth time about something my boyfriend at the time did, she was always there to make me feel better. She can never be replaced, and she is missed terribly. If there is anything to be said for her beauty of character, it is how she was always able to bring groups together, who may not have become friends otherwise. And that continues to this day. I wouldn’t know many of the people I count as close friends without her, and I am eternally grateful to her for that.
I will miss her forever, and she will always be in my heart.
Thanks Nicole for writing about Morgan I had forgotten all about how you two dressed up for halloween that October before she passed. I remember how much she loved dressing up for halloween. Must have been because she loved creating so much. It was so nice to hear from you and I am so sorry you haven’t been able to continue on with ballet. Take care of yourself!
Today I am sending you lots of love! You are wonderful to share with us your thoughts and feelings. I am honored to celebrate Morgan’s life with you and your family and share your grief. I can only imagine your pain. Stay strong!
Love and Light
Love and Light right back at you – let’s keep in going around and around…it is so needed. Thank you!
Hi Toni~
The more I read about your wonderful little ray of sunshine, that we all know as Morgan (LOL), the more I feel as if she was one of those “old souls” you hear people talk of. Mature beyond her years…knowing the true meaning of “friend” and “family”, an appreciation for LIFE in every sense of the word (which we all forget so often in our daily toils). When you say she taught you so much, that just reaffirms the feeling for me. There have been so many words we have all used to describe your daughter, and she IS every one of them! Heaven has to be an even more beautiful place with her in it…I wished she was just physically here for her Mom and Dad and the ones who love her most. I have mentioned several times how much I admire you, and it goes without saying you are a STRONG woman. Morgan gives you that strength! We all have our own belief system…but I believe she is so alive in your words, and of course in your heart.I’m glad GOD lets us “keep” that part of our loved ones. Living just down valley from you, I even find myself sad that our paths never crossed! I just can’t help but think that even that short meeting would have changed a little bit of me. Silly you might think. When I listen to my teenage daughter about her day, friends etc, I daydream a little and hope she is as beautiful to others as she is to me…and hope she has qualities like Morgan. Like the ones I mentioned earlier…a truly beautiful soul.
I pray for you all daily and send you hope every day. As the one year anniversary of my Dad’s passing approaches very soon, I am quite melancholy about the things I miss about him and the daily reminders I have that he is still with me. Thanks again for sharing your reminders of Morgan with all of us. You are amazing.
Have a wonderful day….D~
Why did you keep a dead ferret for like 6 months? Did you keep it in the freezer or something? Just curious
Actually, the ground is quite frozen and a little grave can’t be dug. But in the summer when the rivers have gone down and the soil dries a little the precious ferret with some lavender boughs and human hair clippings (to keep the predators away) it is a good time to give rest to a friend that brought such happiness.
Thank you so much – that was beautiful. So funny because we used to all call Morgan an old soul ever since the day she was born. We wish she was still with us too and it is so extremely hard that she isn’t but we know we can’t bring her back and we have to wait until that day that we are all brought together again. I do believe I get strength from Morgan because there are so very many times I feel like I can move forward with this – it’s so hard…I am so thankful that God is allowing her to help us through this. I am so happy you have a daughter like Morgan so you know what it’s like to talk to her every day and be a part of her wonderful like that is still unfolding – it is truly a blessing. I am so sorry to hear about your father’s passing and I do believe he is still with you. Love never dies. Take care and thank so much for sending me your beautiful words.
Morgan was and still is a ray of sunshine. She has always inspired me to love everyone- no matter who they are and to embrace every moment of life. Thank you both for sharing your hearts and lives. I am so thankful for you and your family daily.
Wow – just from hearing what you just said allows me to believe Morgan’s being has had meaning in others lives…it really changed the way I look at life, and it sounds like it has now done the same for others. Thanks for sharing this with me.
Hi Toni,
What a beautiful and haunting picture! Morgan was a great photographer! I totally understand why you miss her so much. My mom passed away in November of 2000 from a heart attack andI miss her so much still yet.
I am so sorry about losing your mom Charlotte. It’s hard to live life without the ones we love. Hugs.
Thank you Toni. It’s very easy for some people to speculate and say things that seem to be questioning your honesty, but they should put themselves in your place and think before they type! You and Steve and your family have been through so much pain. You don’t need more. I admire your strength and courage and your desire for justice for Morgan. Every family has dusagreements. But love helps us to forgive and to let go of the small things that really don’t matter.
Very true Charlotte – it’s so easy for people to react to something but at times it didn’t even mean what you think it meant…
That’s very true Toni. I have an 18 yr. old granddaughter that I’ve always been very close to. In today’s world it it’s hard to maintain our close connections to our loved ones because everyone is so busy. The love is always there though.