Honestly, I Just Want To See You Be Brave…was my birthday wish

Kauai rain flowersYesterday was a day I was not looking forward to – it was my birthday.  For the days leading up to it my heart was hurting more and more.  All I could think of was the last birthday that I celebrated with Morgan.  It was a really good memory, but also so very painful for me only because I know I will never have another holiday or birthday with Morgan.  My reality is forever changed.

July 21, 2011 I woke up and couldn’t think of anything that I’d like to do to celebrate my birthday.  Steve & Morgan had both asked me what I wanted to do, but I could not really think of anything.  Then in the late afternoon Morgan came home with Rainer.  Steve said we were all going out to dinner.  It was a great dinner and we all had fun talking and joking about things.  When we arrived home Morgan brought out a birthday cake she had gotten for me, put the candles on and lit them – they all sang happy birthday.  It was really nice.

Then after we all had cake Rainer & Morgan went in her room to get something.  They came out with little sheepish grins on their faces and gave me a present.  I opened the card – it was from both of them.  It was so sweet.  Then I opened the present…I couldn’t believe it.  It was a black metal bell with a figure of a horse on the top.  It was meant to be mounted on the side of the house, by the front door.  It was a copy of one of the old bells that moms would ring in order to “call” their family to the house for dinner.

Morgan knew I missed the ranch her dad had built where she had been born in Old Snowmass, CO.  She knew I wanted so much to build another ranch and she said with this present I would already have the first thing to attach to the outside of the “future” ranch house.  I actually started to cry because I realized from the sparkle in her eyes that she truly believed at that time that her dad would build another ranch.  I love Morgan so much – and I miss her so much, and no, I will never get over it.  I lost Morgan, her family lost her, her friends lost her, the world lost her…she was taken against her will and at the hands of another.  My dream now is not the dream I had of building another ranch, it is now the dream of getting justice for Morgan, and fighting for all the victims and families of stalking, missing persons, and homicide.  My passion now is for justice – but that little bell will still ring one day, maybe not to call everyone to dinner, but it will ring out in celebration because my heart knows someday there will be justice.

Anyway, getting back to my birthday yesterday, it did not turn out to be a sad day for me.  I “felt” Morgan in the morning and throughout the day.  Every time I started to cry she “blasted” me with what I can only explain as a blast of heat that created tingles down my spine.  It seemed like she was saying, “Don’t cry – you have too much to do, and I am still here with you.”  Because of Morgan’s presence, an amazing friend, and my loving family I ended up having a very magical birthday.  Love really is everything!

Then I was given another message, “Don’t have fear.”  I immediately thought, “I am not fearful.”  Calming down and thinking about it I realized that when I get really sad maybe it is caused by fear.  Fear of that 1% feeling that maybe Morgan won’t get justice.  Fear that all these other victims and their families will continue to suffer with no white knight riding in to right the wrongs that have been thrown at them.  With that realization something happened, the song BRAVE by Sara Barellis came on my computer…and it was really loud!  The emotion that I felt when that song came on was immense!  At that very moment I felt all my determination come back – I will not be fearful, I promise you Morgan, I will be brave and I will not allow fear to silence me.

Sara Bareilles – Brave Lyrics

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
And they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if youSay what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be braveWith what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be braveI just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be braveI just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be braveEverybody’s been there, everybody’s been stared down
By the enemy
Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Innocence, your history of silence
Won’t do you any good
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
See you be brave

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you

Brave lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC


MURDER IS NOT POLITICAL – Murder is murder…plain and simple

M icon




MURDER is not political…murder is murder.  It is the taking of a life against another person’s will.  It is the crime of killing someone deliberately.

A suspicious death (which our daughter Morgan’s death was categorized as the very morning of her murder) should always be investigated as if it were foul play until proven otherwise.  Makes sense doesn’t it?  But Morgan’s suspicious death was not.  What went wrong?  Is this something that has happened many times in rural areas?  Because that is how it was explained to me yesterday.  “That is what happens in rural areas.”  But does that make it right?  Oh course not.  Does that mean you can just look the other way and shrug?  Of course you can’t.  If murder in a rural area gets less investigation then a murder in a big city does that mean that any of us living in a rural area should be frightened for our lives because criminals know they can get away with murder in those areas?

Morgan’s life was taken against her will and swept under the rug for what is being called “political reasons” the local sheriff still refuses to investigate three years later.  This is not for lack of credible evidence – there is plenty of credible evidence.  Our daughter was killed during an active stalking investigation.  She was a victim of stalking, the sheriffs knew who the suspect was, so why wouldn’t there be an investigation into our daughter Morgan’s murder?  Anyone with children would assume that if the unthinkable happened, if their child was killed, there would be a complete and thorough investigation.  Why would you expect any less?  But what if you found out there would be no investigation?  Actually quite the opposite.  There was complete avoidance of any of the questions my husband and I were asking after our daughter’s death, silly me, I thought they were actually investigating and couldn’t understand why they were refusing to follow up on any of the evidence of foul play, I just thought they were keeping it from us because this was an active investigation…I was wrong.

Now I have heard from people about “why” the county wants to cover-up our daughter’s stalking and murder, but those “whys” are unacceptable – there are no acceptable explanations for a non-investigation, which includes a cover-up.  I really don’t believe that a county should be allowed to cover-up crime so they don’t have to report it.  Could it be a  county that relies on money from tourists may not want it’s true crime statistics known as it might scare everyone off – so instead they may decide not to report those crimes?  Or is it because in other places across the United States where fracking is taking place the crime statistics have soared and people are very upset, so are they intentionally keeping their crime statistics down by not pursuing and not reporting crime?  Possibly –  because I now know they intentionally swept our daughter’s stalking and murder under the rug, and they made sure they wrote up their reports with the express idea of not reporting the true nature of the crimes.  The one thing I wonder about is how that can it be legal?  When law enforcement is required to report their crimes to the F.B.I. and instead they “fudge” the statistics by not reporting them, how can it be legal?  Why is there no accountability?  Most law enforcement agencies do honestly report their true crime statistics, so are the honest law enforcement agencies okay with the other agencies that lie?  I don’t think so – I believe bad officers put a stain on all officers who serve proudly.  I have tremendous respect for law enforcement.  I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it is for dedicated officers that are trying to do a good job when they are left with a community that no longer trusts them because of the actions by a few bad officers.

A victim is supposed to be treated with dignity, honor and respect – these are all things our daughter did not receive.  Instead the sheriff and coroner’s office have misrepresented and lied about the facts in her case and painted her as someone that she was not.  Did they decide to vilify her by lying and defaming her so that no one would question the first incorrect manner of death, as well as the second incorrect manner of death?  What we have learned is that by writing down natural causes as her manner of death, on her death certificate, it derailed any investigation into her suspicious death, and then after months of our questioning the coroner’s office, and receiving threats from them to back off, they officially changed her to a suicide, with absolutely no evidence of suicide, which again not only continued the guarantee of no investigation into her murder, but essentially kept other expert professionals from investigating on her families behalf.  And in Colorado because of something called ‘Home Rule’ these small rural sheriffs and coroners have the power to do just that.  Home Rule basically means that local governments can act in accordance with local communities needs free of interference from higher tiers of the state…so if the local sheriff or coroner does not want something investigated the state does not have the authority to step in.  If local governments are transparent and doing what is best for the citizens of their county then it shouldn’t be a problem, but can you see where this type of local power can be used for nefarious reasons?

If local law enforcement does not have the expertise or funds to investigate they always have the option to call in the Bureau of Investigation or other expert groups like the American Investigative Society of Cold Cases (AISOCC) who offers a professional, free, non-biased review of any cold case brought to them by law enforcement, so lack of funds is not a credible excuse.  The AISOCC has an elite group of experts, the “best of the best”, to assist in solving cold cases.  I have spoken with them, as well as other groups like them, and they would absolutely assist in our daughter Morgan’s case, at no expense to Garfield County, or the state of Colorado, but it has to be brought to them by law enforcement, and only law enforcement, but if Garfield County Sheriff Lou Vallario refuses to ever allow Morgan’s suspicious death to be investigated they can never come in.  So why do these small rural areas not call in other agencies to help them?  Why would the sheriff refuse to have an investigation of our daughter’s murder when there is ample new evidence that shows foul play?  There is a reason…

Morgan was a victim of an active felony stalking investigation at the time of her death.  Her death was a premeditated murder.  It was a staged crime scene, and her body showed evidence of a struggle as well as having been moved postmortem…what else would you have needed to initiate an investigation?  The coroner’s office should have at least put down “undetermined” which would have allowed an investigation to be launched.  But even in the case of the Jensen brothers in Mesa County, CO, where the same forensic pathologist that did Morgan’s autopsy came up with 2 different but both incorrect manners of death in Morgan’s case, wrote that the Jensen boys manner of death was accidental.  Despite what the pathologist said the District Attorney and the Mesa County Sheriffs (not Garfield like in Morgan’s case) still investigated it as a suspicious death & even charged, extradited & arrested a suspect (their mother) in their case.  This was even after the coroner refused to put undetermined or homicide on the death certificate.  The Colorado Supreme Court ruled that the jurors should not take into consideration the forensic pathologist’s “opinion” of what he “thought” the mother was thinking at the time (correct me if I am wrong, but I don’t think “guessing” what a potential criminal is thinking is the job of the forensic pathologist), which is why he wrote “accidental” instead of “undetermined.”  The court ultimately acquitted Heather Jensen of criminally negligent homicide, but found her guilty of child abuse resulting in death and false reporting and she is serving time in prison.  If the District Attorney & Sheriff in Mesa County, CO had just given up because of the pathologist and coroner’s ruling there would not have been any justice for the Jensen boys.

Then there is the other excuse that I have heard about why rural law enforcement sometimes “buries” cases to make them go away – I have been told it is because they don’t have the manpower or resources to pursue them.  This is also a cop-out, and not a legitimate excuse.  When law enforcement opens an investigation and they feel they do not have the ability, finances or technology to solve the crime AGAIN I WILL SAY they always have the option to invite in their state’s Bureau of Investigation or other groups with HUGE experts behind them, like the American Investigative Society of Cold Cases (AISOCC) for assistance in building a case.  So why wouldn’t rural law enforcement use these resources?  Do you know why they wouldn’t?

I guess I could go on and on about other reasons people have suggested to me, like the criminal having some “tie” to the police or sheriffs or being a drug informant for law enforcement, but I don’t feel the need to do that because even if it were true they are still unacceptable in my opinion.  Why would any of these “excuses” be acceptable when it comes to a murderer remaining free and an innocent victim being lied about?  People that actually knew Morgan personally know she did not take prescription drugs because she believed they were dangerous, she led an extremely healthy life, eating organic foods when possible, meditating, doing yoga, art, being around nature and animals, not allowing drama into her life.  She did volunteer work along with her busy school schedule, and part time work schedule.  She encouraged others her age to stay in school, and even talked a few people that were depressed out of commiting suicide (I didn’t know this until these people confided in me after Morgan’s death)…that is really who Morgan was, so how dare the sheriff & forensic pathologist try to paint her as an occasional cocaine user (absolutely NOT true and there was NO cocaine or any other illegal drugs or alcohol found in her body) or lie and accuse her of killing herself!  I believe they wrote their reports with NO investigation to fit their purpose of no homicide.  Let me know what you think?

After reading many articles about people (even law enforcement) that have come forward in other cases to testify (they have been called whistle blowers – I don’t know why they aren’t they called honest people with a moral compass), I have come to the conclusion that what has happened in Morgan’s case is not an isolated case…it happens all too often.  And it is the shear force of power that some people think they can wield over others that in most cases keep “honest” people from coming forward.  It may work in some cases, it may even work in most cases, but it does not work in all cases.  Too many people understand that if murder can be “swept” under the rug then none of us can ever really be safe.  If and when this happens we can not protect our own families, and we no longer live in a world that makes any rational sense.  Change can and will be made for the good of all people by the shear will and perseverance of the people.

None of us can sit back and allow inaction by local officials to work in a cover-up.  Good can triumph over evil.  There are lessons in courage; learning about standing up for what is right.  If you go along with evil, because of your own fear, you will ultimately learn how much it hurts to violate the laws we know to be true, you will be violating something you know inside to be wrong.

Things that are important to us…things that we care about in our lives, things like our life, liberty and justice should never be “given” away to others because of our own fear.  If you don’t believe in yourself who will?  Through patience, perserverance, and tenacity we will get an investigation into our daughter’s suspicious death and there will be justice one day, of this I am sure.  How can I say this you wonder?  Because we will NEVER give up.

We can’t keep waiting for the world to change – we have to be that change.  Be the hero you know you can be.  Morgan will love you even more for it…




HAPPY FATHER’S DAY (or) instead Wishing You A Peaceful Father’s Day.

Morgan 743 copyMorgan 743 copyHappy Father’s Day to all the wonderful dads out there.  You are so very special and your children will NEVER forget how much you mean to them.

Just like her older sister, Morgan was a Daddy’s girl…she adored her dad.  He misses Morgan more than words can express.  Today is hard for him…Morgan ALWAYS spent Father’s Day with him, she never missed one year, and now he feels the pain of never being able to spend another Father’s Day with her.  He feels blessed to have Morgan’s older and sister in his life, along with our 2 grandchildren.  They all bring delight into his life.  But when you lose a child nothing can replace that hole in your heart, and you will never be the same as you were before that loss.

So when you see a father that has lost his child, instead of wishing them a Happy Father’s Day maybe you can say, ““I am thinking about you on this difficult day and wish you a “Peaceful Father’s Day.”  I know it’s difficult for others to know what to say to parents that have lost a child, but please don’t ignore them because of it.  They still need people in their lives, they still want people to acknowledge that they have lost their child, but are still there for them.  On so many days these parents are just trying to get through the day – just like anyone else they love feeling cared about so you really can help them by just being there for them.

Always appreciate every moment of every day – you will never again be able to recreate that same moment…things can change at any time.  Enjoy life. <3

2 little girls

10 Black Vultures – What Did It Mean?

Back in March Steve & I were talking out on our back patio.  Actually Steve was doing all the talking, and I was distracted by a little bird.  The day before I had asked Morgan for a sign and now I was watching this little bird hop down from the fence onto the hillside, and all the time it seemed to be watching me.  I smiled at it while Steve continued to talk.  The little bird hopped closer and closer, I thought this was a sign that Morgan was sending to me, but I wasn’t expecting what happened next.

All of a sudden the little bird flew up into the air and over the fence.  If I hadn’t been watching it the whole time while it as on the ground my eyes would not have followed it back up to the sky, and I would have missed the most amazing thing…now I could see 10 huge black colored birds circling in the sky, slowly getting closer and closer.  They were black vultures, with wings that looked as though they were tipped in gold.  They appeared in the sky above me soaring on the wind currents. I have never seen anything like it before.  They floated in a large circular pattern coming closer and closer, never flapping their wings, and then minutes later they floated away.  That was just the beginning of the things I was being shown. It was an amazing, and wonderful site. I am so happy that a little bird showed me where to look.  This experience felt like it was a sign from Morgan – a graceful and wondrous performance in the sky. The number 10 has always been a number that Morgan has “shown” me since her passing.  It has been so frustrating because I have never been able to understand exactly what it means.  I believe it has many different meanings, as I have come to realize over the last three plus years.  So for me this performance in the sky seemed to be in a form of a symbolic message.

black vulture

I had never seen Black Vultures before.  I was fascinated and wanted to be able to identify what type of birds these were.  After seeing so many hawks and eagles in Colorado I assumed these were some type of hawk.  After doing the research I discovered they were Black Vultures.  My first thought was, “How could these beautiful, graceful birds be vultures?”

One of the first things you notice that is different about the Black Vulture is that they have white on the underside of their wings, but only at the wingtips.  They also hold their wings level while soaring so you don’t see them tipping from side-to-side.  And their tail is much stubbier than that of a turkey vulture.

When looking into the symbolic meaning of vultures I found that vultures are considered a promise that difficulty is temporary and essential for a greater purpose. This is very relevant to what Steve & I have been going through in regards to our quest for justice for Morgan.  It has been an extremely hard road, both physically & emotionally, but so many positive things, things that ultimately are for the greater good of others, have come out of our quest, and to be honest, if things had been different and easier for us those positive things would never have taken place.

Vultures are highly resourceful and many cultures also believe the vulture symbolizes protection. Some would wear black vulture feathers for protection. The ancient culture of the native people of America used to interpret the flight patterns of the vulture to forecast the weather. They also related them to the dawn of the new day.  I found this to be interesting because as I watched this beautiful arial show, an amazing blanket of love and the feeling of being safe, floated over me.  So for now I will no longer try to analyze the meaning behind this wonderful event that I was obviously meant to see…for now I am just grateful that a little bird caught my eye and led me to this most wondrous sign.

May your day be full of miracles.

Missing Morgan’s Smile