Happy 4th of July 2015

I just realized that I posted on the 4th of July in 2012 (7 months after Morgan was taken from our lives) as well as the 4th of July in 2013, but I never posted on the 4th of July last year 2014.  I wondered why and all I could remember was working so hard on all the due diligence to wrap her case up and finally get it opened…and now it is another year later and Steve and I still haven’t finished.  But this time instead of being upset with ourselves for not yet having it done we are now amazed at all we have been able to find out.

So for me today this is what plays over and over again in my mind… fireworks
Let freedom ring, let the white dove sing dove
Let the whole world know that today
Is a day of reckoning.
Let the weak be strong, let the right be wrong
Roll the stone away, let the guilty pay It’s Independence Day.

 

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY (or) instead Wishing You A Peaceful Father’s Day.

Morgan 743 copyMorgan 743 copyHappy Father’s Day to all the wonderful dads out there.  You are so very special and your children will NEVER forget how much you mean to them.

Just like her older sister, Morgan was a Daddy’s girl…she adored her dad.  He misses Morgan more than words can express.  Today is hard for him…Morgan ALWAYS spent Father’s Day with him, she never missed one year, and now he feels the pain of never being able to spend another Father’s Day with her.  He feels blessed to have Morgan’s older and sister in his life, along with our 2 grandchildren.  They all bring delight into his life.  But when you lose a child nothing can replace that hole in your heart, and you will never be the same as you were before that loss.

So when you see a father that has lost his child, instead of wishing them a Happy Father’s Day maybe you can say, ““I am thinking about you on this difficult day and wish you a “Peaceful Father’s Day.”  I know it’s difficult for others to know what to say to parents that have lost a child, but please don’t ignore them because of it.  They still need people in their lives, they still want people to acknowledge that they have lost their child, but are still there for them.  On so many days these parents are just trying to get through the day – just like anyone else they love feeling cared about so you really can help them by just being there for them.

Always appreciate every moment of every day – you will never again be able to recreate that same moment…things can change at any time.  Enjoy life. <3

2 little girls

10 Black Vultures – What Did It Mean?

Back in March Steve & I were talking out on our back patio.  Actually Steve was doing all the talking, and I was distracted by a little bird.  The day before I had asked Morgan for a sign and now I was watching this little bird hop down from the fence onto the hillside, and all the time it seemed to be watching me.  I smiled at it while Steve continued to talk.  The little bird hopped closer and closer, I thought this was a sign that Morgan was sending to me, but I wasn’t expecting what happened next.

All of a sudden the little bird flew up into the air and over the fence.  If I hadn’t been watching it the whole time while it as on the ground my eyes would not have followed it back up to the sky, and I would have missed the most amazing thing…now I could see 10 huge black colored birds circling in the sky, slowly getting closer and closer.  They were black vultures, with wings that looked as though they were tipped in gold.  They appeared in the sky above me soaring on the wind currents. I have never seen anything like it before.  They floated in a large circular pattern coming closer and closer, never flapping their wings, and then minutes later they floated away.  That was just the beginning of the things I was being shown. It was an amazing, and wonderful site. I am so happy that a little bird showed me where to look.  This experience felt like it was a sign from Morgan – a graceful and wondrous performance in the sky. The number 10 has always been a number that Morgan has “shown” me since her passing.  It has been so frustrating because I have never been able to understand exactly what it means.  I believe it has many different meanings, as I have come to realize over the last three plus years.  So for me this performance in the sky seemed to be in a form of a symbolic message.

black vulture

I had never seen Black Vultures before.  I was fascinated and wanted to be able to identify what type of birds these were.  After seeing so many hawks and eagles in Colorado I assumed these were some type of hawk.  After doing the research I discovered they were Black Vultures.  My first thought was, “How could these beautiful, graceful birds be vultures?”

One of the first things you notice that is different about the Black Vulture is that they have white on the underside of their wings, but only at the wingtips.  They also hold their wings level while soaring so you don’t see them tipping from side-to-side.  And their tail is much stubbier than that of a turkey vulture.

When looking into the symbolic meaning of vultures I found that vultures are considered a promise that difficulty is temporary and essential for a greater purpose. This is very relevant to what Steve & I have been going through in regards to our quest for justice for Morgan.  It has been an extremely hard road, both physically & emotionally, but so many positive things, things that ultimately are for the greater good of others, have come out of our quest, and to be honest, if things had been different and easier for us those positive things would never have taken place.

Vultures are highly resourceful and many cultures also believe the vulture symbolizes protection. Some would wear black vulture feathers for protection. The ancient culture of the native people of America used to interpret the flight patterns of the vulture to forecast the weather. They also related them to the dawn of the new day.  I found this to be interesting because as I watched this beautiful arial show, an amazing blanket of love and the feeling of being safe, floated over me.  So for now I will no longer try to analyze the meaning behind this wonderful event that I was obviously meant to see…for now I am just grateful that a little bird caught my eye and led me to this most wondrous sign.

May your day be full of miracles.

Missing Morgan’s Smile

MJ.happy_1

If you are a mom, you can only imagine…there are no words

MorganscandleToday is the one year anniversary of the murder of Lea Porter.  You may not know Lea, or her family – they are from Colorado and today is a day they never thought they would have to endure…the one year anniversary of the most horrible day in their lives.  Lea was a 19 year old young woman who lost her life on June 3, 2014.  Her murderer confessed and is in jail, but her family has still never been able to locate her body.  They want desperately to be able to bury and mourn her.  They are asking everyone & anyone that may have any information to help them locate her and my heart aches for them.  You can read a little about it in the following article: http://www.cbsnews.com/news/cops-former-classmate-admitted-to-killing-colorado-teen-lea-porter/ or on Facebook at  Help Find Lea Porter

If you are a mom, you can only imagine…there are no words.  When your child is murdered your whole life changes, you are no longer the same person you were before.

Below is a poem that pretty much sums up what it is like to lose your child.

“Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms.
She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS,
but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.” `~ By Anonymous

I read something like the following quite a while ago, and it rang true for me.  I sometimes have a hard time explaining how much it has meant to me to have certain people in my life after Morgan was murdered.  People that would just sit with me and let me talk without judgement.  People that would tell me wonderful stories about Morgan, using her name, letting me know how alive her memory still is with them.

How can anyone even begin to understand the magnitude of the loss of a friend’s child?  So many people can be heartbroken, as death is very difficult for anyone.  But they don’t  fully understand how they can help.  So many people feel uncomfortable, they don’t know what to say, they don’t know what to do so they start to avoid the grieving parents.  But what they really just need to know is that the same strong bond they have is motherhood.  They may have never experienced the pain that comes along with losing a child, but they do understand the same joy that she once experienced from holding her child.  And to lose that?  There are no words.

If you have never felt the pain of trying to hold back a tear while with a group of your friends, or the immense gratitude as an old friend tells you that she thought of your child today, or the feeling of happiness your heart gets when it hears a friend say your child’s name out loud you simply cannot know.

Parents of murdered children need to hear,I am here for you – whatever you need.”  My friend Hilda says this to me, she is one of the truest friends around. When parents of murdered children hear those words from others they know there is someone that is there for them. They don’t feel so alone in their grief, they don’t need to only be around other families that have lost children, they just need to be around people that care.  I am grateful that I had some friends, as well as family that did just that, they said here I am – whatever you need…and they meant it.  That got me through the hardest times after Morgan’s murder – and I will never ever forget what they have done for me.

So if you really want to be supportive of families that have lost a child just be there for them.  Whether it is in physical presence or in spirit across the miles.  Mean it.  Own it.  Even if you are pushed away. Take these words and use them to breathe life back into the person who will likely find it hard to even comprehend waking to one more day without her child in her arms.  Keep trying, every day will be different for them, some bad, some a little better, but they really do need their friends.

Be a light during their darkest moments.  Find a way to offer support and to show that your heart is also breaking, because I know that it probably is.  Even so, know that no matter what the circumstance, unless you have lost a child yourself, you will never, ever know this pain.  And know that this is alright.  Parents like us do not expect you to know this pain, or to carry it for us. In all honesty we would hand it to you in an instant of we could, but unfortunately it is ours alone to bear.  Walk alongside us, even if you no longer recognize the person you thought you knew.  We are changed, we are shattered, we will never be the same person that we were before. But in time we will walk again and see the world with an entirely new set of eyes.

I hope that you hear my words. Because unfortunately I know how this feels. And I wish more than anything that I did not.