I always told Morgan, “I Love You To The Moon and Back,” and now, through my tears, I tell her, “I Miss You To The Moon and Back.”
I know she wouldn’t want me to cry like this, but I also know that she understands. An invisible bond exists between a mother and her child – it forms as they grow inside, before they are even born into this world. It is a bond that even death can not sever.
Ever since Morgan was a toddler, her and I had a little secret between us…whenever we were holding hands we would “squeeze” the others hand to say, “I love you.” No one else would know, and we would always smile after the other one “squeezed.” I feel so blessed when I remember that even during her last 4 months, even during the horrific, life-altering stalking, we still had moments when we “squeezed” each others hands…I just wish we could still do it. Now there are times when I feel her close by, and I squeeze the air with my hand in the hope that she still feels it.
It is now Thursday, November 30th – and I am dreading this coming Saturday, as it will be 6 years since Morgan was taken from us. Yes, taken from us at the hands of another. One day, when those who were involved in taking her life, are held accountable, we will finally feel like justice was served, but there will never be closure – how could there be? There can never be closure when such a violent, senseless act has stolen the life of your child. Morgan will never get to finish her last 2 years of college, never be able to go to law school, never have a career, or a wedding, or children. She will never get to go on vacations to Lithuania and Italy, as she planned. She was teaching herself Lithuanian, and would call me “Motina.” On her cell phone I was listed as Motina, that was how it showed up when I called, or sent her a text message. It means mother, and love in Lithuanian…the sadness that I feel is so overwhelming today, it is hard to put into words, so now, I will stop trying.